let go and let…?!? grumpy content warning

Warning: The following post contains grumpy subject matter.

I had a stressful yesterday; super busy at work, made over-commitments, went to bed feeling restless, and you guessed it, grumpy, and I woke up, well… grumpy still. I did not awake thinking about the three things I am looking forward to about the day or feel happy about (a practice I have been trying to do each morning), no, I had one of those mornings where I hit snooze until the last possible minute, forced myself up, got in the shower that never got hot because the dryer had been on all morning (sigh), then convinced myself it was ok to burry myself back under the covers after getting out of the shower for 15 more minutes. I did get a little warm, but not less grumpy, and it made me want to stay under the covers all day.
So, “Why the grumps?” you might be asking. Hmm. I think there are a lot of reasons. I’m not sure the main one. I think part of it is that I feel over-committed about a few things in the next few months of my life, and am angry about that because I have been trying to practice saying “no” more to others and “yes” more to me. Grumble. Additionally, I’m going through a lonely spell. But I’m not even sure that is accurate, it’s not that I’m lonely exactly; I love the company of my friends, I have social engagements, personal interests and a busy busy schedule. Here’s the thing that maybe planted the seed of grump: This weekend I was at a friend’s helping them pick some fruit from their garden before the season turned. I also ended up hanging out with their two small children who I adore. We walked around the neighborhood and chatted and had tea. It was nice. Then I went home and domesticated the shit out of my kitchen, baking into fervor! (Recipes from Saturday’s bake-fest coming soon!) While I was baking I was listening to my iPod, which, while on shuffle decided to play all the sappy love songs I own (admittedly is a lot). It kind of put me in a funk. Who in the heck am I baking a pie, crisp, upside down mini-cakes, muffins and fresh pressed juice for?! Yes, I am the lonely spinster who brings in such treats for her co-workers. (Double sigh.) I just started feeling like 1. I am ready for partnership and life building and all that, 2. I want it, and 3. When already?????????????????????
S and I have been talking recently about letting go of the timeline, the pressure we have put on ourselves (society has put on us?) to be in a partnership/start a family, and just let things fall into the places they are supposed to. Just exhale and lean into the experiences we are having; toasting to new stories and new adventures! I really really want to do that. It’s not that I feel desperate, but when I open Facebook (yup the dreaded social projectile) and see picture after picture of friends significantly younger than me in their 23rd week of pregnancy, I want to vomit. Or when people I know (also much younger than me) are already into their 2nd marriages during the time I have been single (not that I’d want to be in my second marriage, but still!), or when I find out that my older brother’s older wife is trying to get pregnant (after already having three children from a previous marriage) again, it makes me want to gouge my eyes out. I feel like people can see through the scripted, “Oh that’s great…I’m so happy for you,” forced through my lips as my teeth clench back what I really want to say in that moment. Exclamatives. That’s what would happen if not for the clenching.
A very dear friend of mine has described me as a “strong modern women” when he’s reflected on my busy schedule, social and work life. I should find that empowering. I know, I totally should. But for some reason, today I worry that I haven’t made space for anything else other than my work, passions, friend relationships, and social outlets. Or maybe potential mates have suspected this? I mean, I feel like in the recent past I definitely have made an effort to do so, and maybe I’m feeling this way because I’m experiencing the other end of it. I recently got back into town and haven’t yet seen Mr. Catalano because he is very busy and over-committed and maybe I am just frustrated that I am ready and willing to make space and time for someone in my life and he isn’t in his. Or maybe it’s just bringing to my attention how essential it is to carve out that space in your life for someone otherwise you miss it. S and I were talking about this and reflecting on how we both are very busy people, yet we make room and time for those important to us and those who are potential partner material. I want someone who will do the same for me.
I also have this feeling about how every let down, even if it’s just a mismatch, is heavier the older and more single we are. It’s like, f****!, dating is exhausting. I know the key is to let things happen and believe they will turn out the way they are supposed to. But I also feel like we need to be proactive about the things we want in life.
How do we stay hopeful in a sea of mismatches and let downs? How do we reject the self and socially imposed pressure to be partnered by now? How do we really let go and let the Universe?
I feel like I am Bridget Jones at an endless dinner party…

“Why is it there are so many unmarried women in their thirties these days, Bridget?” — “Oh, I don’t know. Suppose it doesn’t help that underneath our clothes, our entire bodies are covered in scales.”