Go ahead, wear red lipstick.

8 Oct

Ok. I am feeling feisty. I’ve also started wearing red lipstick. Not everyday, but on the weekends.
I spent years thinking red lipstick did not work for me. I was too fair-skinned, my lips weren’t full enough, it made me look trashy (a bit judgey, no?), on and on. Finally, a couple of weekends ago, I thought, “F* all that internal noise! I’m putting on some red lipstick!” And I did, and I felt good about it.
Now…I’m a huge advocate of beauty within; that external appearance is just a mask, that it doesn’t really matter. But, I’m going to go out on a limb here and say…sometimes, just sometimes, how you feel on the outside can help how you feel on the inside. And, if it’s a little red lipstick that does the trick, awesome. I also think the lipstick is more of a reflection, or metaphor, for some other realizations, risks or learned lessons as of late.
Like many women, I’ve struggled with poor body image. I dealt with disordered eating and body dismorphia for around 15 years and although my behaviors around this have changed and improved, the thought patterns still pop up every now and again. This summer I was having some struggles with body appreciation. I realized I had started to degrade myself again; blaming my body for my shortcomings, feeling guilty and vengeful about food, and then I had a moment where I thought, “This just isn’t working.” So I stopped and reframed my thinking around it. I paused for a long while and thought, “Ya know, I’ve spent close to 20 years hating my body and what has that gotten me?… I think I’m going to try loving my body and see how that goes.” So I did. It’s not been easy or perfect. I’ll have dips in my bodylove path every now and again, but then I try to reflect on that affirmation, on loving my body: flaws, cellulite, wobbly bits and all. It’s been a good practice in thought reframing and persistence. I feel like loving your body despite all of the messages we’re bombarded with about how our bodies are not good enough, firm enough, thin enough, tall enough, strong enough, smooth enough, at all enough, is like putting on some dark red lipstick and giving a metaphorical middle finger to the dark cloud of bodyhate, it’s kind of political in a way.
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I've also experienced a shift in my own self value and worth in a romantic way. I used to think that if a potential partner lost interest, or didn't try hard enough or wasn't into me, that it was a reflection of some major self-flaw. Some big deficiency, some/whatever "not enough" thing I could think of. Recently, I've begun to feel something completely different. I've felt that it's their loss. I know what I have to offer and it is much more valuable than some unachievable external image of female perfection. I feel this internal red lipstick saying, "They are missing out on someone really great." As my friend Ray told me in a moment of rejection consolation, "He's a dummy." Yes, dear Ray, he is.
I know red lipstick isn't everyone's confident sword, but find whatever it is that puffs up your chest a little and rock it!
Love yourself. Take risks. Be bold. I know I am trying.