In talking with a good friend recently about my latest (non)dating exploits – of which I owe an update (don’t get too excited, there is no real new news) – she told me that she’s noticed a pattern in my communication with potential mates. That there is a “veil” to my communication. That I am not direct; I don’t say what I’m actually thinking or feeling, that I come off as chill, or cool, or worse, kind of flippant. To be upfront readers, I know this. I struggle with vulnerability and exposure of my feelings when it comes to matters of the heart, especially with someone whom I haven’t built up enough A. trust or B. initmacy. So when I say things like, “Hey, hope you’re having a great Friday – just wondering if you’d want to hang out again sometime,” and almost add an unsolicited out (?!) of “if not, or if you’re too busy, then no worries :)”, what I really meant was, “Hey, I’m a little sad that I haven’t heard from you in four days, are you still interested?” I know. The thought of saying that makes me want to vomit in my mouth, but my friend has a point. She said that at least then they know what they’re dealing with (I mean let’s be real, as much as I pretend to be the cool, chill girl, I am not) and by being honest about what you are feeling you are speaking your truth. If they react harshly or negatively, you are just weaning them out sooner. It sounds so convincing and empowering…Speak my truth! YES!!! Truthfully, the thought of being that honest and exposing that much of myself terrifies me. And it’s not because of a fear of rejection – I’ve been rejected enough times by now that I’m not affraid of that. It’s something else, maybe it’s a fear of judgment, maybe this need for privacy and possession of my feelings…I don’t know what it stems from, but hopefully this will be a journey in figuring it out!
I really thought about this conversation and started to think about why it’s so hard for me to be so raw when something is new or potentially budding – I’m positive it’s connected to patterns formulated when I was a child – but as an adult, I can work to reform a path and develop healthy behaviors around communication. Why haven’t I? Do you find yourself struggling with raw honesty, with speaking your truths or being vulnerable? That last example I gave you about communication was actually me being assertive and I experienced a huge sense of satisfaction with that. Won’t I feel much more when I actually say what I mean rather than making it an easier situation for someone else? I know that there is power in vulnerability and that those who are more vulnerable are more happy (generally), so why is it so damn hard for me to expose myself in those ways? What ways have you struggled with communication in a dating or (non)dating scenario?
I resolve to be more vulnerable and honest in my communications! I know it’s only November, but why not get a head start? It’ll give me more time to work on it. Readers, I need you to hold me accountable! It’ll be super easy for me to fall right back into the pretense on being cool and chill. We’ll say this is an expereiment in raw honesty. I will be truthfull! I will say what I mean! I will be direct!
Vomit. In my mouth.
In life and raw honesty,